wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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