Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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