I think I died a long time ago.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
