Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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