He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
