Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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