Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
