i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
