I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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