The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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