I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
