I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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