I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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