I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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