If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize