Will you blow on my dice?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did I show you my penis last night?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
