Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
