What tipped you off? The sombrero?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
