Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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