i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
