Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
