I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
