im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
