just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just cropdusted the office
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
