"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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