Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
