he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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