do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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