He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
