I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
try to milk me bitch
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
