if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize