i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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