it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize