Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
