If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
