Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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