I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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