i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
