i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
