Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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