I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
