just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
