Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
