Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
