She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
