Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
