So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
