Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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