I heard we made out
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I didn't notice because vodka
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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