Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
