I'm really into asian looking animals
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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