Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
