Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
