he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize