I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
