I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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