just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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