it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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