you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
