So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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