I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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