you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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